First Day of School Musings

Recently Olga wrote a post about how separation anxiety hits both children and parents. Attachment can be too often cornered into a ‘what happens between a baby and a caregiver,’ but really attachment is at the heart of all our relationships, with people, animals and things. Most of us will notice attachment dynamics with our phones that are very similar to those with a loved one. An anxiety or alarm when apart, a seeking emotion when we don’t know where it is and a frustration when something isn’t working. As a developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld, PhD, sets out, these emotions of alarm, intensified pursuit and frustration are the three key attachment-based emotions that show up when we are apart. They are not experienced just by our children, but emotions that will greet us throughout our lives as new relationships are formed.

It’s the separation that comes from the first day of school or nursery that will evoke these emotions. We will first get to see them play out in our children, a blueprint for how we are going to experience these feelings as they grow up. Of course as parents we know we are here to help our children grow up but these emotions are going to play a big role in growing us up as parents too. 

I sit here now as my son has just started his first day at school. A sense of relief and freedom from the work of parenting and childcare mixed with some pangs of alarm that he is somewhere else where someone else gets to step into the role of becoming the answer that he needs and a sadness that however wonderful a teacher he may have it won’t be the same as when his parents are his answer.

You might say the mixture of feelings I’m feeling is quite a mature response (even though it can also become messy), but it is worth noting that this is not something that our children are capable of yet. They experience these emotions in their own, in my son’s case, four-year-old way. What is that going to look like?

We all have brains that are there to protect us. In fact, as mammals the essence of our survival instinct is to attach. If we attach, then our survival needs will be met, we will be looked after. If my son forms an attachment with his new teacher in a way that means they both care for each other and are important to each other, then he will be looked after. If for some reason this does not develop, then it’s going to be very tough. 

The main defence mechanism that our brains have to protect us is to stop us from feeling. It is attachment that gives us the safety we need to feel. You might notice your child falling over but only crying when he sees you. For our children at school this level of defence will be there, for some children more than others. An invitation at home to go for a walk might be met with defiance – a child who is finding that ‘I know what is good for me’, but this is unlikely to show up at school. And that is a good thing, it would get them into trouble at school. At home parents are far better placed to get to know the child on this level. But in a society where very often behaviour is seen as the key indicator of well-being and how-we-are-doing it can be confusing. It might even seem that he is ‘a better kid’ at school. 

But it is at home that we are going to get all the good stuff! This is where we are going to help our children to grow up. If we can come alongside these attachment-based emotions, give them an invitation to exist, find play spaces in which these emotions can ‘play-out’ and start to be mastered, then we are coming alongside child development. Because if separation is the issue, then the answer would be how to stay connected, and staying connected when apart is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children.