There isn’t a parent in the world who has not asked themselves, “Am I a good mother / father?” – or, even more painfully, has not thought, “Have I failed my child as a parent?” We usually try to find an answer by examining the evidence. But what if we look at the roots: where does the belief that we are not good enough come from?

Throughout our lives we pick up stories and beliefs about ourselves. The things that our own parents and teachers have said (or made us feel!) and the cultural messages around us become internalized as parts of our own story. By the time we become parents, we often carry a baggage of beliefs about ourselves, and not all of it serves us well. “I am not good enough” is sadly a classic example of such beliefs.

Why do we start to believe that we are not good enough?

Even though it holds us back in adulthood, the belief that we are not good enough used to be an effective survival strategy when we were children. More so than other mammals, a human child is completely dependent on their caregivers for many years. Within hours of being born, a foal can run away from predators, and within a month they start grazing. Human babies can’t move independently, yet alone catch their own food. Their survival expertise lies in their attachment instincts. They enchant their grown-ups with their toothless smiles and prompt them to spring into action to feed them when they cry. If all is well, the grown-ups respond with the unfolding of their own caring instinct, which makes them devoted caregivers. It is this attachment instinct in children that prompts them to seek fault with themselves when they experience the displeasure of their parents. A frown on their parent’s face is much sooner interpreted as “I am not good enough to be loved” than “my parent is an adult responsible for their own emotions.” The child starts to trial which behaviours will please the parent – another survival strategy. If at this point the child receives a message that they are loved just the way they are, no matter what, they get the gift of unconditional love that will help them thrive and mature into secure, authentic adults. But, sadly, many of us grow up thinking that they are only worthy of love if they are “good enough” for it.

What happens when a parent believes they are not good enough?

The survival strategies that served us when we were young do not go away just because we do not need them as adults. They get easily triggered, especially in a relationship with our children, and come back to haunt us. So what happens if we believe we are not good enough as parents?

• We can get fixated on being “a good parent,” turning parenting into a box-ticking exercise. A good mother would make sure her children get to go swimming, skiing and have music lessons (all good things, but is this what the child really wants?). Dirt under their nails and talking back? A good father would never have a kid like that! Feeling like a failure is incredibly painful, and we double down on harsh discipline, as the distance between us and our kids grows into an abyss.

• We feel inadequate and never become the confident parent our child needs. Possibly even worse than chasing the non-existent ideal, parents who believe deep down that they can never be good enough admit defeat. They start to second-guess themselves and believe their child might be better off led by the other parent, their grandparent or professional teacher. Dangerously, when children sense a lack of confidence in their caregiver, they often take it upon themselves to be in charge (a survival instinct, of course!). A bossy child who will tell you exactly how to look after them is often a kid who is in desperate need of a parent who believes in themselves!

• We become hyper-focussed on ourselves as parents. Whether we are chasing the imaginary “good parent” badge or have given up, we are pulled out of the live fabric of our relationship with our child that is happening here and now when we are preoccupied with being good enough. The joy of connection, the spark of our child’s and our own authenticity – we simply miss out on them, sometimes never to discover them at all.

 What can Compassionate Inquiry do for parents?

Coping with painful beliefs on one’s own is often daunting. We might try hard to control our thoughts, but there is always another trigger around the corner, especially with kids.  If you have been reading this article with a sense of recognition, we would love to offer you support.

One of the most effective ways to heal the beliefs that hold us back as parents is Compassionate Inquiry, a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Gabor Maté. In Dr. Maté’s own words, “The purpose of Compassionate Inquiry is to drill down to the core stories people tell themselves – to get them to see what story they are telling themselves unconsciously; what those beliefs are, where they came from; and guide them to the possibility of letting go of those stories, or letting go of the hold those stories have on them … That’s what Compassionate Inquiry is.”

As one of the first Compassionate Inquiry practitioners in the UK, Joe Atkinson would love to support you as you explore the beliefs that are holding you back as a parent. As you heal from the old wounds, you will be able to become the answer your child needs. You will find that your child’s behaviour that used to trigger you so easily has lost its sting. In turn, your better handle on your emotions and unwavering love and cofidence will likely take care of a lot of the behavioural and emotional problems experienced by your child.

If you are curious about what Compassionate Inquiry can do for you as a parent, we invite you to get in touch to book a free initial 15-minute call with Joe.