Teaching children to help with the housework is quickly becoming a lost art as fewer and fewer kids do chores on a regular basis. In the UK, only 24% of parents report that their children aged 6-17 have some cleaning responsibilities (Mintel’s Cleaning For The Family UK Report, 2017). Similarly, 28% of US families say that their children are involved in chores (The Wall Street Journal, 2015). Considering that 82% of today’s parents used to help around the house as kids, the drop is staggering.

What’s happening? Why won’t today’s children help around the house? (Spoiler alert: it’s not because they are lazy!) Here are some of the reasons.

1.      Parents let kids know early on that chores are not for them.

No one is more excited about housework than a toddler! They will fight and tantrum for their right to wash up, feed pets and sweep floors. But too often parents sideline their eager toddlers. They rush to get everything done by themselves while little ones are napping, or prefer to distract them with a screen. Parents send a clear message that soon becomes a pattern: the housework is for grown-ups, not kids!

2.      Parents see no value in teaching their kids to do chores, only to regret it later.

Today’s parents know more about child development than any other generation, and raising happy and smart kids is their priority. Parents put so much effort into making sure they listen to their kids, create a secure emotional base for them and validate their feelings. They take their kids to libraries, theatres, swimming classes and sports practice. Yet a lot of them miss out on coaching their kids in practical life skills. The first great educator to notice how much children benefit from learning to clean, cook and cope with shoelaces was Maria Montessori. Not only do chores develop fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination, they are also immensely empowering for children. There is a lot of dignity in being a capable and autonomous member of the household! As a bonus, the best conversations about what is going on in children’s lives happen over chopping vegetables together.

3.      Children are too busy to do chores.

As they race to give their children the best childhood, parents fill their kids’ schedules with enriching activities, from baby sensory groups at the start to drama and coding clubs later. Add to this the ever-longer school hours and the chunk of time taken up by screens, and it is not hard to see why some kids do not help with the housework at all. They are often busier than their parents. If this is the case, unstructured free time for the child should be a priority. It is essential to give young brains a chance to recover, process emotions and play. If by the time their schedules fill the child already has some housework skills, chores can also provide a chance to unplug and let their minds wonder creatively. (Anyone else gets their best ideas when they are cleaning the kitchen?)

4.      Parents have forgotten how to coach their kids in the housework.

A lot of modern parents were shamed or nagged into doing chores as kids and teenagers. The memories they have are not of joyful teamwork alongside their adults but of drudgery they were not allowed to say no to. They simply do not know how to teach their kids to do housework without creating a relationship problem. They decide that they would rather do everything themselves than subject their children to the same treatment. The irony is, doing everything themselves leads to burnout and resentment, and parents find themselves snapping at their kids for not helping, which takes their kids by surprise (“Since when am I supposed to help?”)

5.      Kids lack autonomy with the housework.

Even when kids do help with the chores, they never go above and beyond. They will only do what they cannot get out of, and the parent has to give an instruction for every single action. The kids never see what needs to be done and do not take pride in the job well done. In workplace terms, this speaks to the parent’s failure to delegate. The kids still do not believe that housework is their territory as well, a field where they can develop competence, be creative and serve people (competence, creativity and service to our community are all natural human needs!). A way out of this problem is through building the child’s motivation, but true motivation has little to do with sticker charts and abundant praise.

6.      Housework has become a battle of wills.

Being the only one doing everything in the house is unfair, exhausting and maddening. Even a parent who prioritizes academics and sport for their child, will sooner or later notice that the balance is skewed. While grown-ups barely have any time to recharge, exercise or read a book, their kids spend all day learning and playing and will not lift a finger to take their plate to the dishwasher. When the parent’s frustration with the unsuspecting kids comes out, it does not take pretty forms. The story repeats itself, as the new generation of kids is shamed into the housework or are having their allowance withdrawn if they do not do it. It is only fair that the kids put up a fight of their own. The more they are pushed to do chores, the more they resist. Parents and children lock horns in the never-ending battle of housework. But why won’t kids just comply? Surely it will make everyone happier! The answer lies in our deepest need, the one to be loved and accepted just the way we are. If parents convey to the children that they are a disappointment if they do not do their chores, then there is a good chance that the kids will dig their heels in. This is the behaviour that says, “If I do not do your bidding, do you still love me? Or have I just discovered the place where your love ends?” This is when it is up to us as parents to zoom out on the big picture. We love our kids no matter what.

Whatever you do, do not leverage your relationship against the housework. There are other, much more effective ways to teach your kids to help with the chores. They are rooted in the art of helping kids develop their own motivation around the housework, and we will be honoured to walk this journey with you. Our course Housework for Children brings you the latest in developmental science to show you how to invite your kids into the housework, teach them essential life skills and at last not be the only one doing everything!

If you have read through the list and recognized the damage that has already been done, do not worry. As we know all too well, housework is never-ending, which makes it a surprisingly forgiving place to start over, make mistakes, apologize, move on and find new ways to connect with your child.