Why It Is Important To Meet The Teacher and 7 Ways To Make It A Success

A home visit, a taster session at school or any form of “meet the teacher” represent one of the wisest traditions retained in today’s schools. Its importance goes far beyond the practical information that teachers often share during the visit. Ideally, it would prime an attachment between the child and the teacher, one of the most powerful predictors of the child’s wellbeing and success at school.

Science now backs what anyone who has been to school will know experientially: a child who likes their teacher a) feels safe; b) learns best; and c) finds it easy to behave well. Founded in the middle of the 20th century by a British psychologist John Bowlby and further developed by modern scientists such as Gordon Neufeld and Deborah MacNamara, attachment psychology helps us understand why.

a)       A strong attachment to the teacher is at the core of the child’s wellbeing at school.

Humans developed as a species in large hunter-gatherer groups where bringing children up was the work of the whole community. Anthropologists believe that a child had up to 16 caregivers, ready to pick them up, comfort and guide out of trouble. Modern life sees us raise our young in a very different context, but the child’s attachment needs have not changed. Ideally, they would never be away from the people they know and love. They simply do not function well. They cry, desperately seeking their loved ones (every parent’s nightmare!). They can grow anxious, fearful and intensely frustrated or become emotionally numb, their brains bringing in defences against the pain of separation. Children have a long way to go before they mature into young people who can operate on their own without being plunged into emotional turmoil. Until then, it is up to us grown-ups to make sure that they know and trust the people who are taking care of them. This is not something that our daycare and school systems make easy, but meeting the teacher is a rare opportunity to bridge the gap. Children who enjoy an attachment to their teacher can soon release the stress of separation and go back to a calm state, avoiding excessive distress.

It is worth noting here that many parents put effort in priming friendships with peers for their little school starters. They organize playdates outside of school and hope in their hearts that little besties will take care of each other. However, the emotional needs of a young child are best answered by an adult responsible for them, not another 4-year-old. If you can, invest in a relationship with the teacher instead (read on for how to do this!)

b)       A strong attachment to the teacher predicts good academic outcomes.

Does your little one learn new things like a sponge at home?  It is when the child’s attachment needs are met (they feel loved, safe and, for the very young, in physical proximity to their caregivers), that they are ready to venture forth developmentally. If the child finds a safe and caring attachment figure in their teacher, their minds are freed to grow and learn.

There is another reason why attachment is important for learning. If you think back to your favourite teacher, is it also the one whose subject you found the most interesting and easy to excel at? Children and grown-ups, we listen to the people we like. As a developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld, PhD, puts it, our attention follows our attachments. Wise teachers know that investing in relationships will always pay off academically. The children who like their teachers are a treat to teach!

c)     The child who is attached to their teacher is on their best behaviour.

What’s the most effective behaviour management tool in the world? It is simply a good relationship. No combination of reward and punishment will ever achieve what a desire to be good for your favourite teacher can. Thankfully, children are wired to want to be good for those they are attached to and to resist (ignore, shy away from, disobey, refuse to follow, deride) those outside of their attachments. This mechanism is captured in the popular parenting mantra "connect before you direct." A parent and child love each other, yet it is still important to activate the connection before we get kids to do our bidding. Share a hug or a joke, get a smile, put some warmth into your voice. The chances the child will cooperate skyrocket. But if there is no relationship to start with, like between the child and their new teacher, then the first job is to build a relationship, and there is a lot a parent can do to facilitate it.

How to use the home visit / taster session to help your child start a great relationship with their teacher?

The good news is, there is plenty parents can do to make the first meeting with the teacher count and lay the foundation for a good attachment between the child and the teacher!

1. Parents hold the key to their child’s attachment to the teacher.

Teachers might have best intentions, years of experience and outstanding professional qualifications, yet it is the parents who have the power to sanction a new relationship.

Pre-schoolers are incredibly loyal to their primary attachment figures (a natural safety feature!). A 4-year-old will always be looking to their parents before they form a new attachment. In fact, if a stranger talks to them first bypassing the parent, their first response is likely to be shyness, an instinct that brings them back to “their people”, the ones they are attached to, to check out their reaction to the stranger.  

Don’t be afraid to take the lead! Smile and make small talk. If your little one isn’t craving the limelight, let them stay back. They will likely take their cue from you and come out to talk to someone their mum or dad seem to be friendly with. Even if they don’t, they will get a chance to size up their future caregiver, to hear their voice, take in their body language and get used to their manner of speaking. A shy child needs a lot of safety and observation before they venture into an interaction. This is completely normal (in fact, it’s a compliment to the strength of your bond!) and nothing an early years practitioner does not see on a daily basis.

 2.  Convey joyful anticipation.

Be calm and positive when you talk to your child about the upcoming visit. You could say something like, “Mrs. X will pop round to our house on Wednesday, for us all to meet. She will be looking after you when you start school in September.” I would recommend using “looking after” or “taking care” – much more familiar concepts to a pre-schooler than “teaching”.

 3.   Don’t use the upcoming teacher’s visit as a behaviour tool.

It might be tempting to leverage this first meeting with the teacher for behaviour management (“They’ll come to see whether you’re a good boy / girl,” or “They’ll come to see how clean your bedroom is.”) This is not a helpful way to introduce someone who we hope will become a loved and trusted caregiver!

If you do feel the urge to put a bit of pressure on your child as the visit looms, it might be worth exploring your own feelings. Sadly, for many of us teachers remained distant figures who shamed us into “behaving”. If everything inside you tightens at the thought of a teacher coming to your home and you are feeling like the task is to present a perfect child and house, you might subconsciously want to shift some of the pressure onto your child. Try to find some support out of your child’s earshot.

Teachers do not visit their future pupils to look for perfection. This would be the most futile quest in the world! Their agenda complements yours: to start a good relationship and ease the family into the beginning of school. Trust that you will find support in them – you most likely will!

4.   Don’t worry about your child’s manners / shyness

Is your child going to do something embarrassing during their meeting with the teacher? It is safe to assume so! An experienced primary school teacher has well and truly seen it all. Running away, hiding behind mum and dad, blowing raspberries, accidents, remarks about their appearance – you name it. Don’t over apologize. Indeed, don’t be sorry your 4-year-old behaves like a 4-year-old. Your child needs you to believe in them and stay nonchalant and confident. Have faith in the teacher to give your child lots of grace. Have faith in yourself: you are doing a great job! Have faith in your little monkey: they will grow into manners and social savvy in due course, but for now, it is completely age appropriate to be, well, a bit wild!

5.       Dress your child in the clothes that tell a story of who they are (or encourage them to bring their favourite toy).

Which one do you find easier, to answer personal questions or to talk about something you love and know a lot about? For most people, it is the latter all the way – and it certainly is for children. Let their clothes and toys help them onto their favourite topics of conversation!

For his “meet the teacher” my then four-year-old son wore his beloved Toy Story jumper. His lovely teaching assistant immediately picked up on this conversation potential. She loved Toy Story too! But what was the horse’s name? She couldn’t remember. Ah yes, “ride like the wind, Bullseye!” That’s it, my son was sharing a laugh and a joke with her!

6.       Help your child connect to the teacher by finding likeness.

There is a universal relationship catalyst: finding something in common. Help your child spot something they or a loved one share with the teacher, either straightaway if appropriate or in a conversation afterwards. Does the teacher sound a bit like your favourite auntie? Have you spotted the same book in the classroom as you’ve got at home? If it works, try to steer the conversation into the kind of small talk that will be meaningful to your little one (pets, ice cream flavours, dinosaurs, princesses?), to see if more similarities emerge. These tiny bridges between home and school will help make the transition easier.

7.       Keep the focus on the teacher as you continue to talk about the start of school throughout the summer.

Now that you have both met with the teacher, you can create a personal narrative around the frighteningly impersonal “start of school.”

You can take the lead with, “I liked Mrs. X!” Go further with, “She will be looking after you at school.” Add some detail, “She will show you where the bathroom is, she will be preparing toys for you to play with. You can ask her more about her dog, then let me know!”

We can’t follow our children past the school gates, but we can help them by scripting their way out of difficulties and into good relationships – the best place for them to be!